You really should update your site. Here I was, thinking that I just finished reading Part 2 of CfM and then saw that you had posted chapter 8 and 9 on FF.net.

So I guess you'll have to wait for my review/critic until I finish reading the next 3 chapters (I missed chapter 7 cause the link isn't on the chapter 6 page )

I'll tell you this though, on the whole I like what's happening in the story so far. "Invader" was quite a curveball actually, but given the timeline it fits quite well.

More after I finish the last 3 chapters.

I totally forgot about the other site, was getting tired of the whole manual editing of all links and how it doesn't let you navigate easily between pages. It's updated now if you prefer reading there instead of FF.net.

But this bit of news fills me with joy! Gotta get going on chapter 10 then but at this rate there might be a CFM 3 lol

At first I wanted to wait until I was fully done reading CFM: I to put a response up, but after reading chapter 7 I couldn't help myself.

I definitely see improvement from the first chapter to the most recent I've read. With every chapter your writing improves. In particular your descriptions are very good, as well as characterization. I'm really liking Runa, and her budding relationship with Bardan is fascinating.

Runa's hesitation and feelings of inadequacies feel very real. I, for one, can definitely relate to her.

Bardan's character is just about spot on as well, and I love how this is playing out so far. He's detached, and yet he's... not. It's hard to portray that kind of character, but you do it and do it well.

Alright, finally finished part 2 of CfM.
The story overall is very very likeable but there are a few things here and there that need minor corrections, nothing life-altering mind you, but it’s mostly idioms/expressions more used in the French language and sometimes do not translate right in English (i.e. repress/suppress, for example).

The story in itself shows that you’ve been plotting and scheming a while before you start working on the chapters because, although seemingly random, the introduction of Aresu was obviously done with the purpose of creating the small “family” setting and it was nicely handled at that. It makes me want to know if Aresu will play a much bigger part down the line.

This installment is also much more centered on Bardan’s character, and to a lesser extent on Runa and their relationship. Apart from the “surprise” at the end, before the 3-day flashback, I would have wanted to see more of their relationship, not only as a couple but also as a team. I know there’s plenty of opportunity for that later on in the story but I figured with the “surprise” it might not be as easy to explore that type of interaction between these two main characters.

I would’ve thought that Runa would at least have taken some sort of contraceptive (if neither of them like the idea of Bardan having to use “shields”) to avoid that type of situation though. But then the drama would definitely be lessened.

The twist in the middle (mainly chapter 6) was a good one, and Bardan making that choice makes plenty of sense since he is now living, not only for himself, but for another two people. But therein lies the quintessential question. How does he live with himself afterwards? Aresu’s master was definitely easy. If anything Bardan was doing him a favor, but what about this new target. Taking small steps into the “gray” area of the Force is not a big deal, using Force choke to persuade people is one thing, but actually killing Jedi? Does he justify it with the fact that he’s no longer one and that it’s just another job as a bounty hunter? Has he become so pragmatic as to completely distance himself from the old teachings he grew up with? Or does he rationalize it as “all means are valid” to reach his ends? He obviously has his own goals but is it worth the sacrifice he is apparently willing to make?

I liked the idea of presenting Bardan’s parents in this part as well, since we’ve gotten a glimpse of Runa’s parents in the previous part, it’s just fair to meet Bardan’s

Writing alien species is also a difficult thing to do, but you did pretty good in describing Eevy Tolod, her character and what motivates her.

I’m thinking you should probably not pay attention to your word count limit to end a chapter/part if you still want to keep writing. In certain parts it almost seems like you wanted to close the chapter because it was starting to get too long, and it shows a little. Also you have moments where your tenses kind of mix and the scene becomes a bit muffled, it’s really very minor though and a second pass/edit should clear up most of them.

One last thing, keep the “tac-talk” between Stormtroopers, the CorSec commandos and other military/para-military groups. Bardan and Runa should be able to talk among themselves in almost a regular manner. In a combat situation, at the most, their tactical communications should be limited to “clear”, “movement (on the) right/left/ahead/behind”, “hold”, “hold fire”, “reloading”, “cover me”, “covering”, “moving”, “fall back” and “move out”.
I see that you tried to put a more swat/military feel in the scene where they’re hunting Rakghouls and some of the terms you used, although all correct, didn’t sit quite right with the scene. I’m nitpicking so take this as semi-constructive criticism. ;p
“Regroup” should only be used if one or more team-members have been separated from the main force and that main force is ready to move or progress elsewhere, it’s a way to call them back. (so that they don’t get left behind) In the scene Bardan should have used “keep it tight” or “stay close”.
Generally, you want to shorten the information but still make it understandable and precise. Direction is very important, it doesn’t help if a team-mate goes “I see them” while he’s conveying target location (unless all operators share video feed) “Target, eyes front” is a much more practical information. The shorter comms are, the less likely there can be confusion between the soldiers.
For example:
“I got three marks coming out of the windows and doors."
Should be “(visual) Contact, 3, windows and doors ahead/12 o’clock”
"Copy that, they're showing up on infrared."
Should be “Copy, have them on IR.”
“Should we engage?” is actually a valid question but in this case seems too formal, when she could have simply asked “what do we do?” or if you want to keep the tac-talk “Do we engage?” is more fitting.

It was a very long revie/critic, hope you did enjoy.

I LOVE your reviews, commander13! You hit the right spots with each of your comments - I feel kinda humbled right now because those are things I should have paid attention to, like tac-talk versus casual communications, and especially the fact that I shorten my narrations to keep a low word count. In the first part I was able to fit everything in 3000-4000 word chapters because there wasn't much going on, but in CFM2 it's a much different pace. I worry about the reader getting bored

It's also nice to have such precise feedback, a HUGE THANK YOU for expressing some of the fundamental questions about Bardan's path. I get side-tracked a lot at this stage of the story, there are so many things I have to take into consideration and make them matter at some point. Lots of characters get killed off, etc. But it's awesome to know that it didn't discourage you

Anecdote wrote:

At first I wanted to wait until I was fully done reading CFM: I to put a response up, but after reading chapter 7 I couldn't help myself. I definitely see improvement from the first chapter to the most recent I've read. With every chapter your writing improves. In particular your descriptions are very good, as well as characterization. I'm really liking Runa, and her budding relationship with Bardan is fascinating. Runa's hesitation and feelings of inadequacies feel very real. I, for one, can definitely relate to her. Bardan's character is just about spot on as well, and I love how this is playing out so far. He's detached, and yet he's... not. It's hard to portray that kind of character, but you do it and do it well.

Thanks so much for reading I had a lot of fun writing CFM1 because things were "exciting" between the characters. It's great that you enjoy it, it fills my heart with joy and I hope you'll like the rest

I just finished reading part I of CfM, aaaaand I love it. Great job describing the capture scene and handling Runa's ... "interrogation". While probably already expressed by people here before, I feel that you've expressed her rather realistically. But even more than that, I particularly like how you both show her vulnerability and her own inner strength when she chooses, time and again, to try to be better.

She's a tough girl, and I hope she realizes it soon. (<I've become emotionally involved!)

While I felt Bardan and Runa's relationship rushed along quickly, I kind of liked how you skipped the really vulnerable, emotionally laden parts that most authors are keen to focus on. It's nice to see the no-nonsense kind of development.

I'm kind of curious to know what Skirata had said (and who's the Togruta? *loves togruta*) but those are just my own curiosity at work here.

*stumbles into thread panting like a beast*

This was by far the most tiresome chapter I had to write. It contains a lot of crap I had floating in my head for what, almost 2 months? and the result is around 6,000 of rambling.

But it's good rambling: there is finally some gun action, an old-fashioned bounty hunter retrieval mission, some sniping, and funny surprises! Well, not so fun. Some of the themes the characters are dealing with are upsetting to say the least. But it took me a long while to let the thoughts come to maturity and I took care not to just hand those things on a silver plate for you. If the characters already know the answer to every situation then it wouldn't be fun to read!

Anyway, no spoilers. I won't quote an excerpt either because it wouldn't be fitting because it's a collection of short events. Also, if some of you felt like the story was slowly becoming unmando* then you'll be happy to see that change!

More Than Blood, Chapter 10



*unmando: term coined by Gratulor's Body. Used with his permission!

Will write in a full review later on.. I currently have 3 write-ups I need to do; This one, Anecdote's "Hurt Vector" and Mesh'la's "don't leave me".

But for now, you should edit the word "Gdan" to "Gran" Gdan=predator from Quiilura, Gran=Ree Yees' species.

F..

I knew something was off. Thanks

Alrighty, have a bit of time after my creative rambling in the chatbox.

Chapter 10 is kind of a darker chapter as opposed the all the previous parts of the story. I know there have been "sad/worrisome" moments in previous chapters such as when Runa's brother is taken away to some garrison, but that event has been kind of settled since.

This last installment is dark because Runa is faced with a choice, and the choice she makes could turn out to be wrong, considering Bardan apparently was able to find a "cure" to hide midicholorians on Force-sensitives. Regardless of Runa's choice, which can be justified, she's young, she wasn't ready and it was kind of an "oops" moment, her decision could create a chasm between the young married couple.

It's also a dark chapter, because Bardan has made a conscious decision that killing other Jedi is just another job, i.e. he has completely turned his back from his early teachings to be fully mando'ade, he feels no kinship the Jedi, has no problems shooting terrorists in the head, and his goals are motivated only by his need to protect his family. It has come to a point where any means is a valid one, as long as it protects his family, and Runa's decision could antagonize what he's trying to do.

Overall, I think it was a good chapter, specially if you were trying to convey the generally dark mood that I picked up from it. There are just a few things I think you should work on a little bit more. In some scenes, I feel that it's almost too earthly, driving around and dropping off the sniper chick for example, that specific scene had me thinking of a street in New York, present day, instead of the more star wars setting. Similarly the store scene where she looks for the pregnancy test she needed is also a bit like that. I think the main issue is the fact that the characters are in a more "day to day" sort of setting, so it is difficult to portray them more as "regular" people. Go for a more "industrial" type of description when you set up scenes like those I mentioned. The location descriptions from previous chapters were somehow better, specifically when they had to deal with the Mon-Cal, but more than likely because it was a more exotic type of planet.

I'd like to see where the relationship between Runa and Bardan is heading, and what's going to happen if the "cure" does exist. Obviously the focus of the story has now shifted from the more general storyline onto the two main protagonists, and I can't wait to see how things pan out from there.

Thanks so much for taking the time to write your feelings on this, you have no idea how this helps me improve. I used to think that I could just go on and on in my text editor and pay no mind to feedback but I was wrong. It turns out that I rely very much on what the reader thinks, to a fault sometimes, and this time it was hard to keep a cool head about what happens in the story.

You can say I wasn't my chipper cheerful self when writing this chapter and the repercussions on the characters are dire. It's a shame, really. If I could rewind and rewrite some parts I would, but what's done is done! The next part will have to make up for the current failings with better characterizations, funnier dialogues and more star-warsy descriptions. In all honesty I miss Aresu and the clones so I might head back to their POVs

But it's in general a dark story... turning "good guys" into "bad guys" is not as easy as I'd expected, with everything implied.